Sunday, January 03, 2010

My Resolution

Do you ever feel like you need to make some changes, but you just are not sure what those changes should be? I have felt that way for a while. Things have been brewing inside me, but I don't know what the final product is supposed to be. I don't know what direction I need to take; I just know that I need to take a new one. I feel that I am working too much and shortchanging everyone. I am not doing my best in any area because I am spread out too thin. I know this. I don't want this. I don't know how to change this. Change is always a tricky thing anyway. I like the status quo. If you change things up, then things could end up being worse. Plus, change often requires work and pain, not in my top 5 of things that I enjoy. I am not a big fan of growing through experiencing pain and difficult circumstances. Give me the body in great shape without the annoying exercising. Let me have strength of spirit without any grief or difficult circumstances. Is that too much to ask? Am I lazy? Let's call it easy-going, shall we? Tim's death has shaken me. It is a shocking reminder that we simply don't know how long we are going to be here, so we better live well every second that we are here. It is time to take steps forward and to force myself to grow. It is time to try and figure out what direction God wants me to go. It is time to stop trying for security. It is time to get uncomfortable.

Which leads me to my biggest obstacle - fear. You know when speakers share their stories about how they prayed for patience/humility/peace/some other desirable trait and then their circumstances changed/became difficult which taught them patience/humility/peace/some other desirable trait. Then the speaker jokes about when they prayed for that trait they didn't mean that they wanted it that way. Then everybody but me laughs. Because I fear this. I don't want to pray for x (insert one of the many areas that I need to improve) because of what God may do to me to teach me x. I want to be a better person without the pain and work. I don't want to lose any of my blessings just so that I can become better. Fear dominates way too much of my life. I fear losing my family. I fear something bad happening to my children. I am afraid of what people may think about me, or that they may not like me. The list could (and does) go on and on. The thing is that fear does nothing but prevent me from living the life that I should be living. Bad things happen to everyone. I can't prevent bad things from happening to me or my family, but I can rely on God to show me the way and to help me through the hard times. So, my main resolution for this year is to be bolder. To really listen to God and follow the path that he is pointing out to me, even if it is uncomfortable. To embrace growth and change. To open my heart up more to others. To do a better job of telling others how much they mean to me. (And yes, I know that those were incomplete sentences - see, I am getting wild and crazy already) Bring on the New Year - no matter what happens, I am blessed.


Shawna said...

I have sooo been there before. Life is so short and precious and you've seen that first-hand last week. I pray that you are able to seek out what God is asking you to do and follow His lead. You are an amazing person and how ever I can help out please let me know.

Andrea said...

Wow, I think you were reading my mind while writing this, Jenna! I'm struggling with quite similar feelings right now.