Monday, January 31, 2011

Mommy Guilt Monday - Dream Daughter

Important Note:  I love my boys with my every ounce of my heart and soul and would not trade a single one of them. Carry on...

Driving home from work, I was listening to a Pandora station that was nailing my mood perfectly.  Out of nowhere, a song from "The Little Mermaid" popped up.  Tears started streaming down my face.  You know the song, "Look at this stuff.  Isn't it neat?  Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?  Wouldn't you think I'm a girl, a girl with everything.....I want more."  Why would that song trigger me?

From the time I was very young, I knew that I wanted to be a mom.  Not an unusual dream for a little girl.  I dreamed of having a lot of kids, at LEAST 4.  Most importantly, I dreamed of having a daughter.  Well, dreamed is not quite the right word.  I knew that I would have a daughter.  It was a given.  I grew older, and the dream didn't change.  Lots of kids, including a daughter.  I read the "Little House on the Prairie" series and fell in love with Anne Shirley.  Someday, I would share these loves with my daughter.  I grew older, but I didn't grow out of my dream.  Still wanted lots of kids, including a daughter.  I played the MASH game (kids of the 80's, you know what I am talking about), and it didn't matter to me what dream guy I got (crush of the month, Kirk Cameron, or Jason Bateman were often on the list).  I just wanted the highest number of kids.  Still wanted lots of kids, including a daughter.  I went to college, and the dream remained the same.  I was lucky enough to meet a great guy.  The dream was beginning to feel like it was going to be my reality.  I just needed to convince Mark that my dream was a good dream ;-)  Lots of kids, including a daughter.  We married, and my dream remained.  The day I found out I was pregnant was the beginning of the dream come true.  I was so happy.  I dreamed of tea parties, kitchen sets, and dolls.  I envisioned ballet classes, gymnastics, and glitter.  I pictured girl dress up clothes, plastic crowns, and doll houses.  And the clothes.....the cute girl clothes, and bows, and SHOES.  Before we even knew the gender, I bought one item of clothing....the cutest little dress.  I dreamed of my daughter wearing it.  I finally got rid of that dress for obvious reasons.  Every pregnancy, I just knew it was a girl.  I wasn't worried after the first 2, because I knew I had at least one more shot.  After the 3rd, I was so afraid that Mark would not want another.  After the 4th...........

Here's the deal, I LOVE my boys.  LOVE them.  Would not trade a single one of them.  Cannot imagine life without them.  But, my heart still aches for that dream girl.  I can handle the fact that I don't have a girl right now, but what breaks my heart is that I WON'T have a girl, EVER.  That dream is dead.  I feel incredibly selfish, greedy, and guilty for grieving this.  My boys bring me so much joy.  I am so blessed to have them.  I see the pain that families go through when they are not able to have a child, or they are only able to have one.  They would give anything to have my problem.  Seriously, what do I have to complain about?  I have 4 of the best boys ever, and I feel that it isn't enough.  My head gets this, but my heart aches for my daughter, my dream daughter.  I don't know how to fix this.  I keep expecting it to get better, but it just keeps getting worse, probably because I am hyper aware of how quickly Chase is growing up (4 1/2 years until he is 18, 18 people!) and because my sweet baby starts kindergarten this year (you might want to avoid me in August).  Please don't tell me that someday I will probably have granddaughters and daughter-in-laws, it doesn't help me.  Telling me that I won't have to worry about paying for a wedding just reminds me that I will never be able to plan a wedding with my daughter.  It will be fine, I know it will be.  I still have my sweet and smelly boys, and the joy they bring greatly outweighs the grief.  Maybe I will get a cat....a FEMALE one.    

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Santa's Visit - 2010

Barely squeaking this post in before FEBRUARY - Will I ever catch up on the blog?

 Chase must have been very, very good this year since Santa actually delivered an XBox
 Cade's loot
 Dylan's stack
 Nate's goodies - anyone notice a theme with Nate's stuff?

 Dylan's fave was the fishing book

Friday, January 21, 2011

Christmas Eve Loot

 Two words:  spoiled rotten

 He had been wanting the Twin Eagle for a while.  He was thrilled.

 The boy loves LEGOS

 Thrilled with his Star Wars Mighty Beans

 Cade badly wanted this, and it broke within 5 minutes - I kid you not.  It was a piece of junk.  We returned it for something else he wanted.
 Chase was begging for an XBox, and I told him "not a chance".  Here is his present from me, an X in a box - an XBox.  I thought it was funnier than he did.
 The pillow pets were a BIG hit - they are still used and loved every day.

 Pillow pet pals
Sheri reading the kids a story before bed

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Christmas Eve - First Set

 Nate showing the cousins one of the Nook books which read out loud
 Chase reading a book to Nate
 Cade's nose did not appreciate the dry air.  He had several nosebleeds.  The kids made signs for Santa and hung them up all over - so that Santa would know where everyone's toys went.
In my family, we open up family gifts on Christmas Eve.  The kids were very excited.  My grandmother did not feel up to coming, which was sad.  She made it the next day, but she is not doing very well.


We had to buy dress pants for Chase for the band concert. His buddy was there doing the same thing. They went shopping together. Maybe I do have a girl ;-). I am very happy with the friends that Chase has made. This friend is a good kid, even if he is a Giants fan.

- Jenna

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Photography by Dylan

It always cracks me up to see what pictures Dylan has taken.

This one is pretty cute
Our elf, "Scout"
They all thought it was funny to put a hair band in Nate's hair

Dylan's loot

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Ski Trip - Set 3

Cuties at lunch

My sweet niece

Nate really just liked wearing random ski gear - like the googles
Cade was worn out at this point

Friday, January 14, 2011

Ski Trip Set 2

Nate had no desire to try skiing.  He wanted to be spoiled by Mimi.  He did think it was great fun to try ski boots.

Normally, the ground would be completely covered with snow
My niece and.....I can't tell
My nephew
My nephew and Cade
Some of the gang
My dad, Dylan, and Cade
Chase with Lanae and Mark in the background