Monday, January 31, 2011

Mommy Guilt Monday - Dream Daughter

Important Note:  I love my boys with my every ounce of my heart and soul and would not trade a single one of them. Carry on...

Driving home from work, I was listening to a Pandora station that was nailing my mood perfectly.  Out of nowhere, a song from "The Little Mermaid" popped up.  Tears started streaming down my face.  You know the song, "Look at this stuff.  Isn't it neat?  Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?  Wouldn't you think I'm a girl, a girl with everything.....I want more."  Why would that song trigger me?

From the time I was very young, I knew that I wanted to be a mom.  Not an unusual dream for a little girl.  I dreamed of having a lot of kids, at LEAST 4.  Most importantly, I dreamed of having a daughter.  Well, dreamed is not quite the right word.  I knew that I would have a daughter.  It was a given.  I grew older, and the dream didn't change.  Lots of kids, including a daughter.  I read the "Little House on the Prairie" series and fell in love with Anne Shirley.  Someday, I would share these loves with my daughter.  I grew older, but I didn't grow out of my dream.  Still wanted lots of kids, including a daughter.  I played the MASH game (kids of the 80's, you know what I am talking about), and it didn't matter to me what dream guy I got (crush of the month, Kirk Cameron, or Jason Bateman were often on the list).  I just wanted the highest number of kids.  Still wanted lots of kids, including a daughter.  I went to college, and the dream remained the same.  I was lucky enough to meet a great guy.  The dream was beginning to feel like it was going to be my reality.  I just needed to convince Mark that my dream was a good dream ;-)  Lots of kids, including a daughter.  We married, and my dream remained.  The day I found out I was pregnant was the beginning of the dream come true.  I was so happy.  I dreamed of tea parties, kitchen sets, and dolls.  I envisioned ballet classes, gymnastics, and glitter.  I pictured girl dress up clothes, plastic crowns, and doll houses.  And the clothes.....the cute girl clothes, and bows, and SHOES.  Before we even knew the gender, I bought one item of clothing....the cutest little dress.  I dreamed of my daughter wearing it.  I finally got rid of that dress for obvious reasons.  Every pregnancy, I just knew it was a girl.  I wasn't worried after the first 2, because I knew I had at least one more shot.  After the 3rd, I was so afraid that Mark would not want another.  After the 4th...........

Here's the deal, I LOVE my boys.  LOVE them.  Would not trade a single one of them.  Cannot imagine life without them.  But, my heart still aches for that dream girl.  I can handle the fact that I don't have a girl right now, but what breaks my heart is that I WON'T have a girl, EVER.  That dream is dead.  I feel incredibly selfish, greedy, and guilty for grieving this.  My boys bring me so much joy.  I am so blessed to have them.  I see the pain that families go through when they are not able to have a child, or they are only able to have one.  They would give anything to have my problem.  Seriously, what do I have to complain about?  I have 4 of the best boys ever, and I feel that it isn't enough.  My head gets this, but my heart.....my heart aches for my daughter, my dream daughter.  I don't know how to fix this.  I keep expecting it to get better, but it just keeps getting worse, probably because I am hyper aware of how quickly Chase is growing up (4 1/2 years until he is 18, 18 people!) and because my sweet baby starts kindergarten this year (you might want to avoid me in August).  Please don't tell me that someday I will probably have granddaughters and daughter-in-laws, it doesn't help me.  Telling me that I won't have to worry about paying for a wedding just reminds me that I will never be able to plan a wedding with my daughter.  It will be fine, I know it will be.  I still have my sweet and smelly boys, and the joy they bring greatly outweighs the grief.  Maybe I will get a cat....a FEMALE one.    

3 comments:

Lori said...

We are expecting our second boy and at my age, this is most likely our last child. I adore my son and look forward to this new little guy as well, especially after how long it took for us to get pregnant.... and I understand.

Nicole said...

Jenna, you made me tear up. Would you like to borrow one of my girls? For as long as you want? I warn you though, they like bugs, baseball, crocodiles, dirt and wrestling. You may as well get to know Brooke now, since as soon as she and Nate get to know each other she may be your daughter-in-law. Ha-ha

stacey said...

oh jenna, i wouldn't even have the right words. let your heart have these feelings, it's ok.

and i am sure mark would let you have just one more!! :)